Since I started this job I have wanted to begin blogging. Not only to write about where I have been but also talk about the funny situations, crazy people and awesome experiences I get to experience while also making a living. This is the type of job I have been looking for quite some time. I have always known that I wanted a job that would allow me to see parts of the country and world that I most likely never would have under normal circumstances. Now that I’m in the swing of things I thought it was time to start my blog.
My adventure first started as I walked into the airport en route to San Clemente, California. The trip was a day trip to go and interview with my, what I know to be, future boss. Dressed dapper and nice I walk confidently into the airport to begin my journey in trying to become a software consultant. There wasn’t much I knew about the job, but I did know that I had the chance of being a “business man.” Oh man that sounded nice. All that work that I had put in during school could be paying off. But is what I haven’t mentioned is the fact that I am a bit prone to panic attacks caused by anxiety! Heading to my gate I began to get that all too familiar feeling that I have grown to hate throughout my life. Palms sweating, heart rate rising and the cold feeling of the adrenaline releasing into my system. If you’ve never felt it, trust me, there’s nothing worse.
“Good morning ladies and gentleman, we will now begin boarding all passengers for Delta flight 1872 at this moment.” There were the words, it was time for me to board the plane, get in and relax. I was hoping that big and roomy seat combined with the refreshing (yeah right) air would be just what I needed to calm my palpitating heart. Well… I have never been more wrong. As I walked onto the plane I had to duck and squeeze my six foot three frame into the main cabin of this 12 row, 24 set flight. This was not what I needed to overcome this stupid, but 100 percent genuine, feeling. As I was herded like cattle on the Montana range to the second to last row on the airplane I noticed that my anxiety had not at all gotten better, as a matter of fact I felt even worse. As I looked up and came to the realization that this cabin is not much bigger that my bedroom; The only difference between it and my bedroom is that I can freely get up and move as I please there. As my mind continued taking its habitual tirades of the “what if syndrome” from one level to the next I found myself on the edge of panicking and flailing my body while screaming at the top of my lungs like a mad man through the cabin and ultimately out the door to the freedom of the cold cement of the runway. If you haven’t been able to tell I may or may not be a little claustrophobic as well. Sitting there anxiously as I clinched my hands I heard the words that pushed me over the edge. “Ladies and gentleman the cabin door has been shut and locked.” Ahhhhhhhhhh!! I just about lost it. Thoughts raced through my mind as to what I was going to do to get the hell of this plane! I was exploding in side. The only thing that I could even think to do was try to talk to the person next to me. I turned to the guy next to me and literally attacked him with conversation. “HEY!! WHAT ARE YOU FLYING INTO TO LONG BEACH FOR?” I still feel bad for the man to this day. I probably scared him to death. Not only did I attackingly fire up a conversation but I don’t think I took a breath for the first ten minutes I was speaking to him due to the rapid productivity of my words.
After settling down and surviving the flight we landed safely in Long Beach and made our way to San Clemente for a great series of interviews. Needless to say I got the job. But let’s just be honest here for one second, I knew that this job entailed me traveling (flying) every single week for the first four months and frequently after that. There is no way in this world, or any other, that I would survive any more of those near explosion experiences. I would be going out on a limb if I said my heart could have handled more than two more of those episodes without going into full cardiac arrest. But I made the decision that I was going to all that I could to combat the problem pursue a good career job that I so diligently had been seeking since graduation 9 months prior.
It was at that point I had to dig up all the tools I had learned to use from years of dealing with anxiety. Through many sessions with a great counselor I had become pretty good at combating the anxiety before it got there, but never had I gotten claustrophobic when I was on a flight. This was all new to me, so I made an appointment with the same counselor the day before I left. I learned some funny things about myself during that counseling session; Things that sounded ridiculous to start but actually helped me in the long run. The mind is such a powerful tool that can, as we all know, help or hurt us. I have been blessed with an extremely active mind that I myself still on occasion have a hard time controlling, but through practice and patience I am beginning to find myself wrangling it better and better with time. I learned to say to my panic attack as I was getting on the plane, “Bring it on! I want to have a panic attack!” I was also told to try welcoming it and almost saying, “There you are, I’ve been expecting you.” I know to many of you this may sound so ridiculous and weird, but when the time comes, if it ever does, that you struggle with panic attacks or disorders this just may come in handy. As I got on my next flight to go back to San Clemente for training I once again stood face to face with the twelve rowed midget of a plane. My nemesis! There it began, my heart rate picked up, the cold feeling of adrenaline release flowed throughout my body but I knew it was coming. “There you are, I expected you’d be here,” I said in my head. This was the key. As I sat and accepted that I may start to panic a little, I realized now that I have accepted this there was no battle going on in my mind. I knew it was coming and 100 percent expected it. It was at this point that the worst had come. The mind has a hard time getting worked up over something when you’re welcoming it. I had learned a great lesson. I had learned on more tool to combat the ever lingering powers of anxiety. Don’t get me wrong I still get the same feeling and I am on multiple flights each and every week. I need to frequently remind myself that that’s just how I am and accept the fact that I will get on a plane and sometimes feel that trapped sensation. This was not a fix all but it showed me the strength of the human mind. It showed me that I won’t get anywhere fighting my mind and instincts.
Humans are blessed with the fight or flight syndrome that triggers when we start to become flooded with anxiety. My first instinct is to run, to get as far away from that fear as I can. Often times in this modern world the fight or flight syndrome is something that is more a nuisance than it is a help. Thousands of years ago when we as humans were fighting for survival we needed that anxiety and fight or flight reaction, but in the modern world we don’t find the use for it like we did then. Those of us that are blessed with a heightened anxiety just need to learn to harness that of which others don’t have and use it to our advantage.
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